Ulcer. Ulcer. Ulcer.

Yup you guessed it, I have a stomach ulcer! I wonderful hole in my gastroblahblahblah track. Nothing to hectic, just have to cut out dairy from my diet and stop smoking. HA. That won't happen, in fact I'm going to have smoke right after this. Of course I can't have dairy when my house is stocked up of milk, butter, cheese and ice cream. Yeah fuck my life right? Oh please I have it easy I shouldn't be complaining. I need to rest but how can I rest when every night for the past 4 or 5 days I have woken up to a burning and gnawing pain in my abdomen. OW. OW. OW. Yup there it is, jolting pain that last for almost a half hour straight. Tomorrow I plan on going anti ulcer food shopping, which means lots of citric fruit and tasties full of antacids and antioxidants! Alright I shall bid you adios~

The Bitch is Back!

Well, well, well, the summer is over and I'm back from my little hiatus of trying to find myself. JUST KIDDING. That's something that I'm still trying to find and discover. ANYWAY. I'm back and I realized that we last left off discussing something about me and worms and dmt, blah, blah, blahhhhh. I'm not going to go into play by play details about my summer, so I will try and speed this up. Continued making YouTube videos, continued working, did acid for July 4th, my best friend visited for three weeks from Virginia, went to rave and popped some pills, dropped some more acid, camped in Kernville, had my YouTube anniversary, my two year k-pop anniversary, camped in Santa Barbara and all the while doing all these fun and wonderful things I missed registration for school so I couldn't get any classes. LUCKY FUCKING ME, but it was all my own fault so I have come to terms with it. ANYWAY. I'm working and trying to find a second job to fill the empty space but, next thing I'll know is that it will be February and spring semester will start so who knows if I want a second job. I'm going to an open interview at 3rd street tomorrow so we will see what will become of it. I'm going to actually try and blog a lot more often that I have recently. I'll discuss the long and bumpy road to finding myself and being a struggling youtuber blahh, blahh, blahhh. I'm tired of having "fun" I want to start figuring my life out, I know, I know I'm only 19 but try telling me that...

Worms in the Carpet.

Today I did dmt which is a psychedelic drug. You experience it's effects twice in life naturally, when you're born and when you die. It only last about 5 minutes but depending on the dosage you take you can either have a total loss of connection to conventional reality or a relaxing yet strangely hectic trip. The first time I did it I felt like I was melting into my jacket. Today was the second time did it. I took in a higher dosage and began to see the carpet pulsate and worms beginning to crawl out through the minuscule cracks. I still felt like I was slightly melting and my pillow's pattern morphed into a maze and began to move with the ambient music that was playing. My friend snapped a picture as I was coming to, it was a strange and enjoyable experience to say the least.

Surprise. Surprise.

So on Sunday I had my regular work hours and guess who decides to come in and work out after being M.I.A for more than a month, yupp that guy! We'll just call him Alex. Of course like always I got completely nervous and totally forgot to say what I planned to say which was, "long to no see, I was starting to miss you" but noo I had to get nervous and loose my thoughts. He noticed my hair cut and asked why I cut it all off. I told him I was getting tired of it and then he joked and said something like "You look like a good boy now, gonna get good grades?" We both laughed and then he went to work out. I won't know anything until next week cause he doesn't come in on Fridays, so we will see.

Disappointment.

I really don't like when my friends say "When I have my car we can do stuff all the time, go to fun places and do shit when ever." And then when they have a fucking car they never want to go anywhere or do fun shit. I was looking forward to going to this goth club thing with witch house and darkwave music but no my friends have to be lame as fuck and cancel at the last moment. Don't say you want to do fun stuff and try new things when in reality you're going to make plans and cancel them at the last minute. I'm just going to stay in this room, curl up in a ball, and watch some gay cinema so I can cry myself asleep.

An Aging Problem.

This whole not being attracted to guys my own age thing is really starting to become a problem. On Tuesday I went to TigerHeat's Recess at Club Eleven, a gay club that I go to from time to time, and the guys there where pretty cute. I was feeling a lot of them but I wasn't really completely attracted to anyone until this guy who was probably in his mid to late thirties came in. He had to be gay cause his shirt was way to tight for him to be straight. I could tell he was very shy and maybe felt a little out of his element at the club cause his mannerism were very reserved and cautious. We made eye contact a couple times and I gave him the "you're cute, I'm into you" look. He seemed into me but I don't think he knew exactly how to approach me. He later just ended up dancing with the friends he came with. I swear right when he walked into the club all my attention and focus was on him and I completely forgot about all the other guys my age. It wasn't even like I wasn't being pursued by other guys, a couple guys gave me the eye and some even approached me and said I was hot. I don't have a problem liking older guys cause at the end of the day age is just a number, but I don't like how it's effecting my day to day view on guys my age. *Ughhh gay boy problems*

Tequila. Ketamine. Party Monster.

Like 3 nights ago my close friend had a kick back at her house which soon ended up consisting of tequila, fresh fruit, ketamine, weed, part monster soundtrack, and a dance party. I usually try to stay away from tequila because its fucking tequila but my best friend bought a $40 bottle so we made the most of it and boy did we all make the most of it, next thing i knew there was a random handle of Jose, dogs running around and 90's music blasting. Ketamine came into the picture later in the night and I usually don't like to mix alcohol and k cause it completely fucks you up but I had way to many drinks for good judgement. Ohh we made fun drinks too. I came up with a Red Berry Shooter, later into the night became a Zane Bang Bang, tequila, fruit juice, sliced strawberries, raspberries, and diet squirt for a little carbonation and sweetness. My friend came up with A Blended Purry, Tequila, sugar, strawberries, raspberries and cranberry juice which was then blended then served.

A lot of dancing and drinking, got home at 3 then woke up at 7 so I could go to work.

Over It.

So that guy from my gym that I have talked about way to much hasn't come into to my gym in about three weeks, I'm over it. I don't even understand why I'm upset about this cause we weren't even anything. I'm just really annoyed because out of all the older guys that flirt with me and treat me to energy drinks and health bars he was the only one who actually genuinely cared about my well being and actually really seemed interested in me as a person, as opposed to a sex object. If I happen to see him then I see him, I'm not putting my self out there anymore. I finally take myself out of the ring and this great guy pops in into my "life" and bam all this shit happened. Why am I even bitching about this? I've had to much coffee I'm on my fourth cup and I need to end my shift soon. I need a cigarette, I need a lot of things.

Pause on Lust.

It's been two weeks since I've seen my Spectrum boo, which sucks cause last time I saw him we we're actually talking and flirting a lot more. It seemed like things we're actually going somewhere, I even told him that I was looking forward to seeing him next week and he wink at me. Just my fucking luck he's been gone for two weeks. The first week he was m.i.a turns out he checked into one of the Spectrums in Santa Barbara, but last week he was completely m.i.a. He made me excited for work and to be honest I picked up more shifts hoping I would see him more. I feel unbelievably creepy, but I've never been this infatuated with a guy before so quickly. Well we will see what happens on Sunday. Oh and side note: I'm no longer attracted to guys my age, the only guys I find myself attracted to are all either 23 or older or, you're not going to believe this, have kids. Where is my life going?

Stupidly Stressed.

I have been so busy lately its ridiculous! I haven't even had that much time for youtube, which is something I always try to make time for cause I love all of my subscribers and viewers so I always try to post more than once a week. I have recently withdrawn myself from Obey The Gay, the gay collab channel I was apart of, I didn't have time because of school and work. My only days off are Tuesdays and Thursday and I need those days to study, I was the Thursday guy on the collab channel so thatwas  a little tiresome. Although I'm no longer apart of Obey The Gay I am talking to my old channel mates and we are thinking about regrouping and starting fresh with a brand new channel. Obey The Gay wasn't really all that organized and we had so many member changes. We went through three different guys and a pan-sexual female and we still didn't have a full week of people. So anyway I'm just dealing with work, school and my personal channel. Oh and on a side note I'm so unbelievably pissed off that I can't find any 90's type platform shoes for men. Like just regular sneakers or high top sneakers with a fucking big ass plat form, why is that so hard to find? I'm just going to have to make platforms and add them to my old high top sneakers. I guess that's cool cause the original club kids made all there own platform shoes, it's just a lot of work.

Raves in the Ghetto.

On Friday I went to a little rave called Bubbles foam festival. It was a small, two stage rave with Hardstyles, Hardcore, Dubstep, House and Electro music. I haven't been to a small rave like that in over year because Insomniac and Fresh parties take up all my time and money. It was fun! Got to see an old friend, she been away from the group cause her boyfriend was everyone's best friend and he moved to Virgina about half a year ago so she some what withdrew from the group. There was a bubble foam pit hence the name of the rave and it created so much foam that through out the night foam was literally everywhere. Humorous at first but I soon became irritated because a hardstyles dj started spinning and I couldn't dance because the floor was to slippery due to the fucking foam and I really wanted to dance cause the hardcore that was being played before was not good, it was like gabber and soft grindcore which resulted to me not being able to keep up and dance to it. I got over the fact that I couldn't fully get into the beat so I went to the house electro stage and dance the rest of the night away.

Love at first Wink?

Last Sunday I was at my usual Sunday shift at work catching up on my reading for English when my "Athletic Club Lover" (I guess that's his name now) came in and completely took me by surprise because he was a little earlier than usual so I smiled with excitement when I saw him. Greeted him and he smiled and nodded back, he stalled before entering the gym because he lost his parking ticket, he always validates it before entering the gym, he was a bit talkative while searching for his ticket. Once he found it he smiled at me and we kept catching each other checking one another out while he validated. Before entering the gym he turned to me one last time and winked at me. I immediately turned red due to blushing and couldn't focus on anything let alone my reading.  Later when he left I wished him a nice day and he said "Thank you, you too."

 So he is starting to become more talkative and less shy. I think he was just trying to assess the situation because a man his age most likely doesn't get that kind of attention from someone as young as me. I get so nervous and happy when I think about him it's crazy. I haven't felt this way about a guy in a really long time and I don't even think its weird even though he is old enough to be my father, well he's actually older than my father but age is just a number. I'm excited to go to work on Sunday cause that is the only day I see him at work. I can't wait~

All I have to offer.

I get unbelievably irritated when others comment on my appearance and automatically call me vain, self absorbed or pretentious. None of those things apply to me at all. I have a wicked fashion sense, in my opinion. No body dresses like me in Culver, besides my friends. With that being said I get the constant day to day looks and stare downs by random people on the street. I've gotten flicked off for wearing platform shoes. Yell at for dressing to "flashy" and what not. Excuse me for a having a sense of fashion just because I don't shop at Abercrombie and Fitch and wear uggs doesn't give you the right to talk down to me and call me vain or pretentious. All I really have to offer is my fashion sense. I'm not talented in any way, shape or form. As for my intelligence, oh please my head is full of air. My face isn't really anything special or nice to look at, only thing that's on point are my outfits. I'm not afraid to dress up either, platform shoes, 12 inch extension, I don't give a fuck. I do give plenty of fucks when people automatically write me off and label me as a pretentious, self absorbed hipster, YOU HAVE ME SO FUCKED UP. I was a hipster like 2 years ago, I grew out of it. Anywho I'm so over it, I just like to dress up cause you should never need an occasion to dress up. If you feel pretty in platform creepers and a patched up jacket then wear it! Life is to short to not to feel pretty.

Athletic Club Lover?

So as usual I've had my eye on a couple of members at my gym, I know what else is new? What can I say I like men, plain and simple. There's this one guy who is quite handsome, classically. About my height I think, which is tall cause I'm six foot, middle eastern and goes to the gym all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME, and not just my gym, he has a platinum members ship so I mean he hits up all the gyms in California, which means he must be loaded. A standard monthly member ship is $85, yeah I know. So imagine what he pays monthly to have access to every gym, jesus christ! Anyway he is so adorable, a little timid and shy but he is so cute! When I first saw him, he caught me doing a double take once over and I smiled and became chatty with him. He must have realized that I never really chatted with anyone but him when ever I would check him in. He slowly realized that I was into him and seemed slightly amused. He always smiles but never really says anything, he almost always catches me glancing over at him. Just last Sunday I hadn't seen him for sometime but he surprised me and came in to work out. I was checking in a member when he came in, I didn't notice him at first but I glanced over and instantly got nervous and looked away. I checked him in and said the usual "Hey, how are you today?" with a smile and slight eye flirtation. He did the usual smile and made his way into the gym. I became so giddy and excited to see him that I couldn't focus on anything, I was a fucking little school girl who just got noticed by the school hottie. Time passed and I began to read and work on my school work. I noticed some members leaving so I stopped what I was doing to wish them goodbye and that guy approached me, I became nervous again and said my usual "Bye, have a nice day." with the usual smile and eye flirtation. Instead of him just smiling and walking on he winked at me and said "Alright." I instantly blushed and smiled even wider. He has a fucking accent, I have no idea what kind of accent but he has one! He is so adorable and just all around cute I can't help getting excited when I see him. He has these really gorgeous brown eyes, fuck he is so hot! I don't even care that he has money or the fact that he is 56.

Fighting Old Habits: Purge

It's really hard for me to lose weight the healthy way because I used to suffer from bulimia and slight anorexia back when I danced ballet. When ever I look in the mirror and asses my weight I always think "a little purging wouldn't hurt." or "I guess I could skip a couple meals." I need to lose 20 pounds so I can fit into stuff when I'm drag queen, aka Dominique Rivera, and it's a little frustrating I guess is all I'm trying to say.

Change of Pace.

Long story short I'm really stressed out. I'm in my fourth week of collage and I'm already behind. I'm not getting any sleep, I'm broke and I'm constantly wanting to change myself. I'm so tired of automatically judging and bullying people based on their appearance. High school made me into to this mean and pretentious person and I'm so over the whole petty bully bullshit. I've almost been out of high school for a year. I'm about to be 19, I don't want to be known as the guy that doesn't like people for no reason.

I'm slowly becoming more outgoing and sociable so I'm changing for the better gradually. I'm just so exhausted all the time but I don't like showing it because I always "need" to put up a front. Everything is stressing me out and I just can't handle everything. I just need to slow down, breath and take on things one at a time.

Bus Drive Therapy.

A couple days ago I had a very emotional talk with a random kid while I was on my way home from work. He must had been in middle school, 8th grade probably and he reminded me of myself back in middle school except for the fact that he dressed better, thank god. I noticed right away that he was gay and seemed a little down, like myself back in middle school. He kept looking at me and I could tell that he was fond of my appearance. I started to watch him, which may sound really creepy but I love people watching and observing others it's just so interesting, he started to zone out and kinda drift into his mind which is probably why he pulled up his sleeves and exposed his arms. Right away I glanced down and noticed that one of them where covered in cuts, obviously self inflicted. This made my stomach sick, I know what its like to go through cutting I had a five year struggle with it and the ending results are going to stay with me forever. He realized what he did and then quickly pulled his sleeves down and caught my eye, embarrassment come over him and he looked so upset. I normally just ignore these type of situations but something about this kid made me act differently.  I got up and sat next to him and willingly showed him my arm. His eyes widened as he scanned the contours of every scar my arm had to offer. He asked me if things get better and I told him that everything gets better with time. He looked me in the eyes and said that he can't handle it, what ever it maybe, my eyes began to water because it was like I was looking at myself. I told him that everything was going to be okay and to never let anyone tell him that he can't do something or be something he is. He thanked me just as I was getting off at my stop.  I never got his name or age, nothing. The most intense thing to ever happen to me on the bus. Best believe I had a cigarette after that.

Eight Legged Freaks.

I'm fucking terrified right now. I saw a spider descend from my ceiling and land on my pillow. I jumped up and watch that little fucker just stand there for like five minutes, I finally got the courage to kill it and that mother fucker bolted. I attacked the bed like a savage beast and then lost that eight legged freak. I backed myself into the farthest corner of my room and started to convulse and cry all the while holding my self and repeating "I can't fucking do this." for a good 20 minutes. I slowly examined my bed petrified and found the corpse. I still feel like bugs are crawling all over me. I almost wanted to sleep on the couch in the living room rather than dealing with that multi-legged fucker. People really don't understand how much spiders TERRIFY me. I just wanted to watch some Hamtaro and now I can't fucking sleep.

Past Two Weeks.

The past two weeks have been pretty interesting. I have started school and I love it, well I only really enjoy my Japanese class but what can ya do? Partied and tried salvia again, but you can read about that in my previous post.  Started flirting with a member from work, well not flirting just mutual eye fucking. I spent Valentines day with my two good friends. Worked. Got into a confrontation with my best friends boyfriend which I now realize what mostly my fault but you should never confront anyone with anger while both of you are drunk. The contamination got physical which triggered a weird deja vu flashback to my child hood which unleashed all this hidden anger and rage. So that scared me as well as my close friends. Things are all worked out but I'm broke and I don't get paid till tuesday. Ohh and I saw the Secret World of Arrietty yesterday, such a  great and cute movie, I liked it better than Ponyo but Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castles and My Neighbor Totoro still rank top three. I'm excited because on the 29th I'm going to Disneyland because its 24 hours due to the celebration of leap year. Alright I need to finish practicing my Hirigana syllables~

Did everyone get ice cream?

So about a week ago I did salvia for the first time, well actually the first time I did it I was rolling, did a shit load of k and it was laced with weed, so I guess this was my first time doing it sober, well actually I was drunk but I had an intense trip none the less.

Basically I took my hit and fell back onto my friends bed laughing. When I finally got back up I was at a carnival and I was working the ice cream stand. There was this huge machine that was producing every flavor imaginable and they would slide down this vertical conveyer belt onto the cones and then I would give each cone to some one different.  Suddenly then engine for the machine broke and I exclaimed "Oh fuck!" Right when the engine broke all the kids from St. Jude's came for ice cream but get this, this was their very first field trip ever and of course my ice cream machine was broken. I couldn't upset all those kids from St. Jude's! So I picked myself up and some how fixed the engine and the machine began to produce the best ice cream that a carnival had to offer. While my trip was ending I was just making sure that every one got ice cream.

This is what my friends saw. Me falling back laughing, getting back up, looking around and smiling. Laughing hysterically and falling of the bed. I gazed at the trashcan on the floor and exclaimed "Oh fuck!" Me freaking out but still laughing, then calming down and started asking if everybody got ice cream.

Athletic Awareness.

 I don't really have any complaints about working at a gym. Spectrum Athletic Club in Santa Monica to be exact. The only real complaint is that some people just love to be rude, but then again I guess you can't get away from at any job. The people on a whole are quite nice and the eye candy is A+. Grant it I think of age as just a number but there are a lot of great looking and kinds guys. I have realized that all my boy crushes happen to be on men who are 27 and older but that's not my fault, its just something about older guys. I also have a collection of sugar daddies, scratch that, "gym sugar daddies" considering that they only buy me stuff when I work whether it be a protein bar or an energy drink, hell I've even gotten surprised with Starbucks. They usually only give me healthy things cause they "don't want me to lose my lovely svelte physique." I think its so ridiculous, but I can't complain I enjoy the days in which I work, people can be quite funny. It makes my day when I can brighten some body's  or make then smile by asking them how they're doing. Simple things like that really do make a huge impact on some people. Alright I gotta take piss and I get off of work in a half hour so I'm going to start closing up.

Internet Whore.

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Strange Attraction.

Yesterday I went to the California Science Museum which was nice because I haven't been there in ages plus I enjoyed being near the coliseum because it reminded me of all the good memories EDC brought. Anyway once my friends and I made our way inside I headed to the bathroom and noticed this older guy with his daughter. We made eye contact right away and I didn't think anything of it until after I left the bathroom and made intense eye contact with him again. He was real handsome, Latino or Arab, couldn't really tell, probably in his mid to late 30's and his daughter must have been three or four. I don't know what it is but I just have a huge attraction to older guys, probably because of what happened to me as a kid. Anyway my friends and I went to the Creativity Exhibit which was completely outdated, made our way to the Life exhibit which was outdated as well. The newest exhibit was the Ecosystem exhibit which I totally dig so we went there after blowing through the other two exhibits. Right as I made my way inside this dark room with video of the worlds ecosystems being projected on the huge walls of the entrance that dad turned towards me and we practically stopped and looked at each other. During the five minute ecosystem montage we kept checking each other out. My friends and I made our way to all the individual ecosystem exhibits I happened to bump into him again at this interactive island exhibit and was right next to him and his daughter. We kept making more eye contact through the glass between us and I happened to notice that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. I soon left that exhibit and never saw him again. I keep thinking about him and wondering why the fuck I didn't say anything? My biggest mistake was when we were next to each other at the interactive exhibit, his daughter dropped her toy and I neglected to pick it up. What I should have done was pick it up for her which would have given me an excuse to say something to him. But of course I'm to much of a fucking coward to put myself out there. I need to wrap this up because my frustration in myself is making me tired. I really need to stop being such an introvert and put myself out there even if I have to take baby steps.

Sick.

I don't necessarily mind being sick only because it gives one the excuse of staying home in bed and drinking hot drinks. Hot chocolate, tea, coffee, etc. I love just curling up in bed with my cat and watching hours and hours of tv and movies while gulping down cup after cup of tea. I generally like doing that but being sick gives it more justification I guess one could say. Oh my tea is done steeping, I'm gonna watch The Breakfast Club then probably Party Monster or Donnie Darko, gotta love the classics.

Single and Ready to Mingle?

Last tuesday I went to Tigerheat for the first time. For those of you who don't know what Tigerheat is, it's a gay club and Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday nights they have 18+ events. Anyways I went for the first time with 8 of my other friends and on a whole we had a great time. I just wish that I wasn't so shy and scarred to put myself out on the market. I'm not seeing any one and haven't for about a year I'm completely single but am I ready to mingle? With in ten minutes of being at the club an older gentlemen lit my cigarette for me which is a nice gesture, I just smiled and then ignored him. Through out the night I could pick up on guys checking me out but I never did anything about it. I'm not used to all this kind of attention I guess. All of my friends kept telling me to talk to guys and find a "daddy" so we could get some drinks but I wasn't ready for all that. A part of me feels guilty because I feel like I dragged them out to west Hollywood  to a gay club only to go home alone. Can't I just get a feel of the place and take things slow? Anyways I'm rambling basically next week we're going again but this time we are drinking and that way I can have some liquid bravery in my system, is that cowardly? I really don't care I need something to help me along the way. Oh my youtube videos are done uploading I guess this is it.

Fresh Start?

Let's see, let's see, where to start? Well I guess I'm 18 turning 19 in march and I have 3 tumblrs, a youtube, facebook, twitter, social life, job, and I start school in like 2 weeks. I figured I would make a blog so I can post my more "personal" post in one area, I guess. I don't know, who the fuck even cares. I'm just typing this cause its almost 3 in the morning on a thursday and I can't sleep, but then again what kids my age can now a days. Its all fucked if you ask me. Oh I have a mouse named Francis and a cat named Zoe. I had another cat named Jade but she died last week and then I lost my job, at Urban Outfitters but I still work at a gym yeah a gym Spectrum Athletic Clubs. Yeah I can't complain the eye candy is A+, oh yeah I'm also gay. Went to my first gay club on tuesday, Tigerheat, but I guess I'll discuss that later. I need to get back to my netflix cause I can't sleep. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?